Wow. I’ve known about it for quite awhile now. One can be a believer or not but this thing can be very inspirational sometimes. I don’t care how it works, but it seems to work. It’s not the first time it’s given me such a great inspirational answer. I don’t know, it might be that all the hexagrams are applicable to any question that you ask. But. It’s been around for around five thousand years, so it’s centuries verified wisdom. In my view it’s very important to for any person to look back to our ancestors and not to forget the history. Even our immediate grandparents. Even though many things might have been different in their lives, they can still give you answers to many many important questions. It’s a crime to ignore our past. Same with ‘the Book of Changes”, it makes you think twice before you are about to do something important. Just ask and toss the coins. It’s exceptionally easy these days. It’s our unconscious and the wisdom of the ancestors at work and it’s a shame to ignore such things.

Of course I want more, like most other people. But sometimes I think about my current life and I wonder what would more money do to it. Do I really need it? Would it benefit me or would it just confuse me?

It’s weird, the way I just started thinking about money. I’ve realized that it is a sort of energy, like everything else seems to be in this universe, if you think about it. Energy is behind all the actions. It just changes its forms. So money is also a kind of energy. If you have enough of it, you can go and spend it on an iPhone for example and convert your money energy into a pleasure and convenience of having such a handy little gadget. If you like those, of course. Does that make sense? It does to me, but maybe I’m just weird.

So what are we people then? Maybe I can say that we are kind of like energy conductors. We can have good conductivity or we can have bad conductivity or we can be anything in between. Some would argue that one has to have good conductivity. If somebody gives you a smile, you have to pass it on. Buddhism teaches that one should not cling to anything and just pass it through. Hmmm… Or do we just have to know our limits? What if we operate above our limit? Can we burn out? I read that around 90% (or more) of people who win a lottery, loose it all within a few years and in many cases become a lot worse of. I can imagine how a huge lump of money can ruin a life of somebody who’s not ready for it. So can I theorize that some people have to have a certain capacity to handle a certain amount of money energy? Hold what you are capable of, and just let the rest go. Charity is the way, I’d say.

So I don’t know maybe whatever I’m making right now is as much as I can conduct, without burning out? I’m not hungry, my wife is not hungry, we have a place to live. We can afford everyday staff. We do have to make an effort to buy something like a computer or to go traveling. But it gives me a stimulus to want to do something with my life, work on my career or go to school. So do I want more money? I’m not sure. I’d like to have a better chance to travel, or a chance not to spend so much time at a job that I don’t like. But I don’t know if money alone would help me. A career that I love and that provides me with just enough definitely would. But I don’t know what would happen if I were to win a lottery. Would it just confuse the hell out of me. Would I forget about all my values and go on a crazy shopping spree? Would it stress the hell out of me? I can imagine all those questions: “what do I do so that I don’t loose it?”, “how much do I share?”, “Do I buy a Ferrari or a Lamborghini?”, “Should I move to Monaco?”, “what would happen to my relationships with friends and family?”, “what if somebody gets jealous?”, etc. It may definitely mess up my career at this point. I might loose my intention to go back to school. Or on the other hand it might really improve my life, I really don’t know.

There definitely is something romantic and inspirational in having less than you would like to. Am I crazy? I don’t know, but I know that I’m really happy and blessed to be where I am right now

Wasting time. The crazy weekend kicked me out of the saddle. Sure it was amazing. It was a true vacation for my brain. But now I’ve got to get it together. Tomorrow I’m back to my routine. Getting up before 5:30, going for a run and meditating. Wanted to do some forex in the morning, but I’m not sure I’ll have time. That’s the dilemma. Need to do so much and can’t decide what’s more important. Maybe I’ll just meditate and do some Forex. Running after work.

I know, the wise answer is: happiness should not depend on where one lives. Physical location should not matter. Happiness is inside. Moving is just running from oneself… But although I understand that, I do not feel it. Right now I want to run and experience different places, do different things, meet different people. I’ve been moving with my parent’s all my life, never staying on one place for more than 5 years. I guess I’m a kind of a modern nomad. I cannot be on the same place, doing same things for a long time, it bores me and I become restless. It’s been almost 9 years since the last major move, and I know it’s time. I’ve been moving inside the city every 1-2 years, but right now, I know I need a major change, maybe even a different country. Settling down makes me nervous. I’m afraid to get to involved and loose my freedom, and my freedom is sacred. I don’t know if it’s wrong but that is how I feel. I feel boxed in right now. Maybe someday I’ll understand, but right now I need prove myself that the happiness is not somewhere out there.

Anyway, I currently reside in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and it’s 100% not where I want to be even if I felt happy inside. It’s cold. There is almost no summer. Sure, the nature is still beautiful. River valley here is beautiful, I love it. I’m very thankful to this city, it gave me A LOT. But I’d like to be someplace warmer right now. I want to be able to bike or walk all year round. I hate cars and driving, it’s too stressful. It’s bad for the environment. Cars don’t fulfill their functions any more, they are ridiculous. I could go on and on about cars and driving, but not in this post. This makes me doubt if the whole North American life stile fits me… So far, I like Vancouver the best. It’s beautiful, it’s warmer, there are mountains and it’s on the ocean. People seem friendly and more relaxed than in Edmonton. Edmonton is more of a worker’s town. There’s not much going on culture-wise. Vancouver seems better. But. Maybe I should consider other countries? Europe? I’ve lived in Russia and that’s not where I want to be. But maybe something like Spain? Or Asia? How about India? I don’t know… I even thought about the Caribbean… First I need to find out what to do in term of my income…

I need to constantly remind myself what is really important at the moment. Sometimes I really wonder if anything is wrong with me. I have ridiculously bad memory. Often it seems like I know what I need to do, I’ve thought about it a million times, I’ve decided what is important for me at the moment, but I’m still where I was before. Or at least it seems like it. I’m just extremely unorganized. My mind jumps from one thing to the next, I get lost in daily routines and my interests change from hour to hour. Sometimes it’s just too frustrating…

Here a list of things that shows where I am at the moment and where I want to get to.

I’m a programmer and I don’t like my job.

My income is only enough to pay my bills.

I’d like to improve my physical and mental health.

I’d like to go back to school for upgrading and applying my computing science knowledge to a different field.

I’d like to travel.

I want to move to a different city. Vancouver possibly.

So how the hell do I organize all of this things and decide what I need to do first?? I guess I’d have to commit to only a subset of these things and just do that, but I cannot decide and just stay where I was.

To quit my job I need to find an alternate source of income. I don’t want to be tied up to a physical location/schedule, so it would be great to find something on the web. There seem to be so many ways to earn money online these days, I need to research that. I just don’t know where to start, but this IS my NUMBER 1 priority. Good.

Now, I’ve already committed to getting up early, meditating, getting some exercise etc. I need to keep it up. Good.

I want to move to Vancouver by the end of next summer. If I find an extra/alternative way of income by the end of this summer, I can take some part-time courses this fall/winter. Good.

I could even go to Thailand this Christmas if I work hard. Awesome.

Wheeew… that feels a little easier.

I’m all pumped! Let’s make it happen!

Ok, Day 1 was very weird. Started out really great. I was able to get up at 5:40 this morning. I tried not eating anything after 6 the night before. I only got to bed at 11:40, but still was able to get up pretty easily. What can I say, I definitely love getting up early and be able to enjoy myself before I go to work. I’ve done some stretching, had some tea on the balcony, enjoyed some sun while watching other few early risers walk or drive to work without any rush. It was going great and I was happy until…………

I’ve got into an accident on my way to work. Some dude in front of me braked really hard and I couldn’t do anything. It turns out he also rear-ended somebody, but it was just scratches on both other cars. My car is pretty bad. Headlight, bumper, hood and a fender. It sucks, because I always drive cautious and try to watch my speed. But what can you do, shit happens. I really love the way I handled it this time though (it has happened before). I’m not very concerned, and it only slightly ruined my mood. I still fill great, although I now need to prove my innocence to the police. They act like jerks, as usual and treat me like I’m a criminal and guilty by default (I think that has a lot to do with my accent). Sucks, but it’s just a car. In fact, I kind of had that feeling in the morning, you know, when you feel that it’s going too good… But like I said, I’m not going to let it ruin my mood… It feels kinda like it was a test for me. Silly.  Tomorrow is going to be great, I know.

As I’ve said in the previous post, I had a few attempts to start a blog. I tried blogger.com and livejournal but could never get past post #2. I’m not sure why, it’s not the interface, although I like wordpress the best, so far. It’s my motivation. I’ve got to admit that I cannot keep my attention on anything for more than 5 minutes. Even right now, it’s only been 10 minutes since I’ve started this thing, but I’m already getting bored………. Just kidding! I’m not going to give up that easy this time.

Any way, I’ve been determined to start a blog for a while, because writing for me has always been a way to order my hectic thoughts. It is easier to concentrate on something when I write about it. I’m somewhat similar to Carlos Castaneda in that i guess. This is not to say that I think I’m any good at it In fact, one of the reasons of starting this journal is a way for me to become better at writing. I’ve always appreciated good language skills.

Another reason, is to keep me focused on what I’m doing with my life. I find it very hard to loose track in my 9-5-home schedule. I get very tired at work and forget about good things in life. But today, a few months since my last attempt a ’stumbled upon’ a great blog – iwillchangeyourlife – that has pointed me to wordpress and has motivated me to change my life, so here i go…

Hello indeed! Hopefully something is going to come out of this blog… This is yet another attempt to keep me motivated on my self improvement journey. “Here we go! Climbing way up into the sky, and we’ll see if this ride is really like FLYING” – Hallucinogen